Terrible Lizard

I was asked to think about big predators

Things like sharks and alligators

But then I turned to dinosaurs

And top of all the carnivores

Without doubt - the tyrannosaurs

Then a thought popped into my head

Which probably should remain unsaid...

How did the T-Rex

Manage to have sex?

Did these residents of Jurassic Park

Wait until it had got dark?

And should we consider the features 

of the mating rituals of these creatures?

I can't see the T-Rex 

Going in for nibbling necks

So did they find the charms 

Of each other's tiny arms?

(Surely they'd get in a muddle 

going in for a cuddle)

At 40 feet long and eight tons in weight

How on earth did they mate?

Which position

Would have brought their efforts to fruition?

There are enough fossils to show,

They must have given it a good go

What was the question again?

I've lost my thread.

Oh yes, predators - alive or dead

Number one - tyrannosaur 

then underneath...

Great white shark

Because of the teeth

The End of the Pier

That place over there

Socks are required

They don't mind about age

Or the wealth you've acquired

Whether you're young

Or if you're retired

There's only one rule

And that's socks are required

There's no outlawed design

They can be thick or thin

As for the length

Where to begin?

Just cover your ankles

Or halfway up the shin

But you can't be barefooted

If you want to get in

And now you are there

Are you feeling inspired?

Was it something you hoped for?

All you desired?

You might never know

That I stopped and enquired

I'm just glad you remembered

Socks are required

The Story So Far

Early excitement

Small squad proves predictable

'Beamish Line' beckons

(Haiku about Swindon Town in the 2023/24 season)

Remembering That Time (An answer song)

(An answer to Regina Spektor's song That Time. You should really listen to it.)

Whatever did you do with that human tooth you found down on Delancey?

I won't forget the time we kissed anywhere except the mouth

I thought your favourite colours were always pink and green

I remember your fad of only eating tangerines

What were you thinking?

Tangerines!

I remember the time you'd only read Shakespeare. Even Titus Andronicus.

And that time you only read the backs of cereal boxes. Just what is riboflavin?

I try to forget about you and that pigeon with the broken wing

It seemed the whole block was watching as you buried bits of it in that children's playground

We had to leave the next week

I can't believe you weren't sick

I remember something about you wanting to stand for parliament

I thought there was a time when you only wanted to live in Marlborough

Wasn't there a time when you had an obsession with camels?

I remember when you were broke and bummed off our friends

You were broke a lot back then

We lost quite a few of our friends

Bum...

I don't remember the time when I OD'ed

I don't wanna remember the time I OD'ed for the second time

I heard you shouting from the waiting room

I didn't know you thought you could read my mind

Is that why you got clean?

Is that why you left me? 

Thank You for the Roses

'Slow down' they say

'Take time out,

Stop and smell the roses'

But it seems to me 

that only works

for people with functioning noses

If at First

I entered the Japanese Cheese Contest

And was thrilled to finish third

I might have done even better

If I'd been gentler with the curd.

Then at the Marmalade Festival

The judges tried to be kind

But I knew as well as they did

Something was wrong with the rind.

I thought my giant onion

Would win 'Biggest Vegetable' prize

But some of the other entries

Were four, five or six times the size.

It was at the Spoken Word gala

When my poem won the cup!

(Can we keep it our little secret

That nobody else turned up?)

Birthday poem for someone called Neil

Happy birthday Neil

Do you like the colour teal?

You’d look good in it I feel 

On your birthday

What presents do you have Neil?

A carbon fibre wheel?

Perhaps a glockenspiel

For your birthday

What have you got planned Neil?

Going for a meal?

I hope the gravy won’t congeal

On your birthday

Perhaps you’ve gone away Neil

To Kent, maybe to Deal

Or further south, to Lille

For your birthday

Or a cosy day at home Neil

You could watch 'Ally McBeal'

Or the old 'Sapphire and Steel'

On your birthday

I think that’s enough Neil

I expect you’re tired of all this guff Neil

You just do your stuff Neil

It’s your birthday!